I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
