she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
