I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
