Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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