So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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