My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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