and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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