I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
