I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize