The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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