K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
