I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize