Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
birth control should be required to get into college
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
