my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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