So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
