My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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