Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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