I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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