He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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