my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
