Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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