Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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