the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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