I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
