it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
