when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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