Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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