thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
