When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
