Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm at about main and main street
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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