So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize