god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
