I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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