Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize