We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
