4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
