It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
