he was CRYING into my vagina
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
