made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
