Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize