Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
