i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
