Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
