You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
