but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
