i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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