I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Randomize