I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Come share oat with me in your robe
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
