Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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