Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
