so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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