Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
