..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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