Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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