i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
