my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
