I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize