Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Randomize
