But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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